Stuttering and Shame
- Hanan Hurwitz
- May 15
- 4 min read
Updated: May 17
What is Shame?
While there are many layers to shame, shame can be thought of as an intense belief of being defective in some way that we believe is unacceptable to society and perhaps to ourselves as well. The perceived defect is something that is either irreparable by its nature or irreparable due to the obstacles to repairing it that we believe we cannot overcome.
What is the Difference between Shame and Guilt?
Guilt involves the awareness of having done something wrong; it arises from one's actions. We think to ourselves “I have done something wrong/bad”.
Shame is the painful feeling about how one appears to others (and to oneself) without necessarily having done anything. We think to ourselves “I am wrong/bad”.
Shame and Guilt in the Experience of Stuttering
In the experience of stuttering, we encounter both guilt and shame.
People who stutter often feel guilty for “failing” at fluency-focused therapy, at being unable to use the speech fluency tools given to us by the therapist. That guilt is reinforced when the therapist or the parent expresses surprise, frustration, or even anger that we did not use our fluency tools.
The fluency tools are not trivial to use, and their use often comes at the expense of spontaneity and authenticity, and they require effortful speaking that makes it difficult to remember what it was that we wanted to say.
How does Shame Develop?
Shame develops when we have done something that we believe makes us irredeemable or we believe that we have an irreparable flaw that makes us unacceptable to society.
In the experience of stuttering, we can identify a number of sources for our belief that we are flawed.
Public stigma and stereotypical attitudes, which informs us that this trait we have makes us unworthy or unacceptable.
Self-stigma, wherein we become ashamed of who we are simply because of what society is telling us about ourselves.
Belief that we are defective in that we are unable to use the fluency tools (100% of the time).
Physical tension and bodily movements that result from the struggle with stuttering.
If we have social difficulties due to our stuttering and our struggle, then we can develop shame because of this, too.
What does Shame Cause?
Ultimately, shame causes self-limiting or even self-destructive behaviors and causes us to avoid living the life that we want for ourselves. We hide our true, authentic selves, and we believe that we are inherently unworthy. That in turn can drive self-limiting thoughts and beliefs that, in turn, drive the behaviors that make us limit ourselves.
The self-limiting behaviors can include:
Covert Stuttering, which refers to the hiding of individual moments of stuttering.
Purposefully looking for a career path based on how much speaking will be required, instead of based on what we want to do in life. Since we spend much of our life working, this behavior has a significantly adverse effect on quality of life.
A spectrum of social behaviors, from withdrawing from society, being in society but hiding our perceived flaw, all the way to behaving in a violent way towards others as part of us rejecting society that we feel originally rejected us. Social anxiety disorder is experienced by 50% or more of adults who stutter[1].
When we are afraid to show our complete and authentic selves to other people, we experience disconnection from them. This is in itself harmful since connection with others and feeling safe with that connection is a basic human need.
Ultimately, shame causes us to believe that we are not good enough in aspects that we cannot change. The Not Good Enough (NGE) story feeds on the shame and the shame feeds on the story. We have a snowball effect going on almost continually until we find awareness and the way to stop it.
What is the Antidote to Shame?
Since shame thrives on secrecy and silence, and its power is decreased when we accept and are open about who we are, when we choose to stop hiding.
Actions that we can take to resolve feelings of shame about stuttering include:
Unconditional self-acceptance of who we are, and acceptance of our innate, unconditional worthiness. This involves disassociating our sense of worthiness from the opinions of others, and especially from the stigma that we experience.
Self-compassion, which allows us to exist with imperfection (and no one is perfect) and with our different way of talking.
Community. Learning self-acceptance, self-compassion, worthiness – we can do this ourselves, but if we can find a community of others like us then the task of learning is that much easier.
Vulnerability encompasses self-acceptance, disclosure, self-compassion and empathy. When we choose to be vulnerable, to unapologetically show our authentic selves, shame loses its hold on us.
Self-disclosure of stuttering. Being open and unapologetic about who we are. Some refer to this as "shining a light" on shame. The term "coming out of the closet" comes to mind when we speak about disclosure.
Mindfulness. Non-judgmental awareness in every moment.
More information on stuttering can be found in my book:
Stuttering: From Shame and Anxiety to Confident Authenticity
Information on the book and where to buy it on Amazon can be found here:
Information on the book in Hebrew can be found here:
[1] Stuttering and Social Anxiety Disorder: New Insights and Treatment Possibilities; Kikuchi, Y., Maguire, GA., et al.; The European Society of Medicine, Medical Research Archives, Volume 12 Issue 7
Kommentare