On Equanimity

Introduction

With all the chaos, catastrophes, and existential threats in the world, it can be a real challenge to retain our reason and to live meaningful lives.

The good news is that there are tools – attitudes, philosophies, and teachings – using which it is possible to both be aware of the chaos and at the same time retain our well-being.

Buddhist and Stoic philosophy both have, as their ultimate goal, living with equanimity. In Buddhism, the goal is enlightenment, Nirvana, a state in which we are free of attachments and of the various “defilements” of mind that prevent ultimate freedom. In Stoicism, the goal is very similar, but the focus is very much on retaining tranquility while fully engaged in practical living, whatever such living entails for each one of us. This is not to say that enlightenment in the Buddhist sense is not attainable when fully engaged in practical living. Whether it is attainable or not I still do not know, and I am sure that others more knowledgeable and more wise than I am would be able to provide guidance on this. I do know for certain that Buddhist philosophy provides me with guidance on how to live with equanimity while fully engaged in “the full catastrophe” of life.

In this article I explore what it means to live with equanimity, and what cognitive approaches are available to support us. The article is intended primarily for myself, to teach myself and remind myself how to live. While everything written here appears in the Buddhist and Stoic philosophies, I found that I need to extract key concepts that are actionable for me, and to which I can easily return. The article is not meant to replace or detract from the complete philosophies, and I encourage everyone to find their own way to read these philosophies and to take from them what is of value at any specific time.

What is Equanimity?

Equanimity is the mental attitude of being at peace with all aspects of our experience of life. This means that, with equanimity, we accept whatever arises, primarily those circumstances that are beyond our control, and we achieve mental stability while remaining curious and open to those circumstances.

We don’t have to like what happens, but we can accept whatever happens as something that just Is. We accept, since what has happened is there anyway.

Equanimity can also be thought of as peace of mind, serenity, or tranquility.

Equanimity is Not Apathy

It is important at the outset to note and to realize that equanimity does not imply inertness or apathy. Compassion and empathy are not antithetical to equanimity. An equanimous attitude enables us to know whether to respond to events, how to respond to events, and, most importantly, to know how to let go of things that are out of our control and thereby how to preserve our wellbeing.

We can care about something that has happened, but we can retain our peace of mind by living with equanimity. We can care and take action, but we also let go of any outcome or perception or opinion that is out of our control.

Dr Tara Brach teaches that “indifference is the near enemy of equanimity”. She explains that while that indifference and equanimity might give the same appearance, indifference is a pulling away from life whereas equanimity is being fully engaged with life, but in a way that we are not lost in emotions and impulsive reactions.

Why is Equanimity of Value?

Since living is full of challenges, many or most of them beyond our control, the ability to accept whatever arises with curiosity instead of judgment puts us in a better position to handle situations in ways that promote health and wellbeing, for ourselves and for others.

Equanimity is of value since it supports resilience, and resilience in the face of everything that can happen to us is crucial to our wellbeing. Living with equanimity gives us mental freedom and from that freedom we can choose what, if anything, to do about what is happening.

With equanimity, we can respond after consideration instead of reacting impulsively. We can avoid reacting to events with anger, with defensiveness, or with ego.

Imagine This

You are walking towards a goal and being at peace with yourself, while you are surrounded by storms of thoughts, emotions, and the multitude of events that are beyond your control. You are aware of the storms of thought but nevertheless hold yourself steady and you – your being – is not disturbed by the storms. You have a well-defined path and events that are outside of your control and that are not connected to your path do not distract you from continuing on your path.

This is, for me, experiencing equanimity as a state of being.

Attitudes and Actions that Create and Support Equanimity

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn as “moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness”.[1]

Mindfulness is not a technique but a way of living. It is awareness of and receptiveness to the thoughts and the events that accompany our lives, and from awareness and non-judgment we are then able to choose at each moment how we want to live our lives. It is a way of being.

The first attitude that we should develop is clear awareness of thoughts, feelings, events. With the development of awareness, we should develop non-judgment of those thoughts, feelings, and events.

Moment by moment non-judgmental awareness seems to be the key to choosing how to live our lives, and the key to living with equanimity.

Sphere of Control

The famous Stoic philosopher Epictetus taught that our chief task in life is to distinguish between what is in our control and what is not in our control, in order to understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for, and to inform us on how best to direct our attention and energy.[2]

There are so many circumstances in life that cause us distress and yet are completely out of our control and over which we have very little or no influence. Consider political situations, for example. We get distressed, angry, or otherwise passionate about political situations, and understandably so, since politics and politicians affect our lives. However, for most of us the political situation and political events are completely out of our control. We might have some influence during election time (for those living in democracies), but that is for a tiny fraction of time.

If we are angry, arguing about, or trying to control things that are out of our control, we will be miserable. We can be aware of events that are out of our control, and sometimes it’s very important to be aware of what’s happening, but we can also avoid engaging with the events if they disturb our peace of mind.

With mindful awareness we can ask ourselves whether the circumstance at hand is something that we control. If not, we can let it go. The reason to let it go is to redirect our focus on those things that are in our control and that we want to do something about. Of course, we need to identify for ourselves why we want to take specific action, since taking action on things that are in our control but that are not important to us is a waste of energy, too.

Differentiating between Events and our Thoughts About Them

Epictetus teaches that it is not events that disturb us, but rather it is our judgements concerning those events.[3] Furthermore, it is often our assumptions about events that disturb us and not the events themselves. Don Miguel Ruiz writes about this in The Four Agreements, exhorting us to avoid making assumptions and instead to find the courage to ask questions, clarify intentions, and communicate clearly with others so as to avoid misunderstandings and the accompanying suffering.[4]

With mindfulness, we can be aware of events and take a moment to ask ourselves if the event is something in our control or not. Mindfulness further enables us to be aware of thoughts that arise about the event. When we can examine our thoughts with mindfulness, we can then be aware of whether it is the event or our thoughts about the event that is causing us distress.

Perceptions, Impressions, and Right View

Closely related to differentiating between events and our thoughts about them is the concept of perception, or impression. Our perceptions affect our judgments and can therefore influence our actions. However, if we desire to live with equanimity, it is helpful to understand how we perceive events and what our impressions of the events are.

How do we know when we are experiencing a perception or an impression? We will generally have a physical sensation that arises, associated with the event and the emotions that are associated with the event. We feel, for example, anger, joy, desire, or sadness as physical sensations in addition to experiencing the emotional sensation. Using mindfulness meditation, we learn to become aware, without judgment, of the sensations that we feel. With non-judgmental awareness we develop the ability to choose our responses to events and the perceptions and impressions that they create within us.

The perception of an event is not necessarily accurate. Our perceptions develop based on our experiences in life. For example, I can perceive my stuttering as something bad, something to be ashamed of. However, this perception arises from the stigma of stuttering and it is not accurate, and certainly not helpful to living with equanimity.

Right View is one of the aspects of the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path. With Right View, our perceptions and beliefs will be accurate.[5] A number of things affect the development of our perceptions. Perhaps first and foremost, our values form the basis for our view of things, and it is therefore important for us to clarify our values in order to be able to live with equanimity. What we consume also affects our perceptions, and in this context “consumption” refers not only to edible food but also to what we consume with our senses. Advertising, for example, is something that we consume, that makes an impression on us, and that causes us to act on the basis of those impressions.

With mindfulness we can be aware of our perception of an advert, be aware of our physical and mental sensations, and make an informed non-judgmental decision on whether purchasing the advertised product will help or hinder in our intention to live with equanimity.

Epictetus teaches[6] that we should make a practice – a habit – of examining every strong impression, understanding that it an impression of an event and not the event itself, and asking ourselves whether this event is something in our control or not. If it’s not in our control, our reaction can then be “It’s none of my concern”, and this attitude clearly supports equanimity.

The Two Arrows

In the Buddhist teaching of The Two Arrows, the first arrow is injury, physical or emotional, that happens to us and which is very often (but not always) out of our control. The second arrow is our interpretation, judgement, or perception of the first arrow.

Arrows hurt us when they hit us. However, it is the second arrow that might cause us to suffer, or certainly to increase our suffering. If we are a victim of injustice, for example, the first arrow is the injustice. Sure, it hurts. If we get angry or defensive we will suffer much more. If the injustice is something that we can rectify, that is, its source is something that is our control, then responding with reason will most likely bring resolution in a way that will support our equanimity. If the injustice is out of control, then anger and believing that what happened is unfair will not help us in any way.

Here again, mindfulness gives us a foundation to examine the event with curiosity, to examine our perception of the event, and to support our ability to choose how to react or respond in order to live with equanimity.

Non-Attachment; Non-Clinging; Letting Go

Equanimity – peace of mind - is disturbed by attachment to a thought or a belief that something should be other that what it is, especially when that something is out of our control. On the other hand, equanimity is supported by letting go of the need or desire for things to be different from what they are.

If there is something we need, or need to achieve, and it is in our control, then we can make a plan for achieving it and focus our attention on taking the actions needed. Otherwise, if our (perceived) need is out of our control, then we support our well-being by being mindfully aware of our need or desire, allowing it be, and letting it go.  If we have identified this need as being in our control and we take guided actions to achieve it, we still often need to let go of attachment to the outcome, since not all outcomes are in our control. In this way we are neither ignoring, denying, nor suppressing our needs, and neither are we attached to them. We are free, and this freedom is a manifestation of equanimity.

We get attached to material goods, to the approval of others, to outcomes (the way we want things to be), or to how we think that we need to be. Attachment to these things prevents living with equanimity, since we are holding onto something that is either not in our control or that is impermanent. Everything is impermanent, and it helps us to live with equanimity when we can accept this.

Attachment to outcomes can be challenging to deal with. Some outcomes, such as political elections, and so very important to us and so very much out of our control. In democratic societies we have but one vote, and the best we can do is use our vote to the best of our ability, based on our values and wisdom. If the outcome is not to our liking, we continue to suffer as long as we wish things were different. This does not mean that there is nothing that can we can do. We can continue, for example, to demonstrate, to speak up, to discuss, to talk to politicians, as we do our best to create change for the greater good. However, this is all completely different from continuing to wish that the outcome of the election was different.

Similarly in personal relationships and in many aspects of work. We would like to see certain outcomes, but they do not always occur. Carrying on clinging to a desired outcome that is not going to happen is just suffering.

Approval from other people is something that most of us would like. However, attachment to such approval, to external validation, will always disturb our peace and cause us to suffer. Equanimity rests on internal validation, and therefore we are better off working on building internal validation rather than on being dependent on the approval of others for our peace of mind. Internal validation comes from being at peace with who we are and what we do. Who we are is dependent on the values that we choose to live by and the actions that we choose to take that are based on those values. Such values guide the way we interact with our surroundings, and the only thing we can do is to do our best. Outcomes and approval of others are not guaranteed, and so it’s best to concentrate on doing our best and to let go of the rest.

Here’s a lovely quote from "The Cruelest Month" by "Louise Penny. Someone has published lies in a newspaper about the main character, Inspector Gamache, and when his allies ask him why he is not immediately doing something to counter the lies, he says: "What would you have me do? Take out an ad saying it’s not true? There are two things I can do. I can get upset and worry about it, or I can let it go. Guess which one I choose?"

Letting Go of Opinions

Opinions are different from facts. Opinions are an important part of debate, and discussion can help us arrive at conclusions, even if temporary, in the absence of facts.

However, holding an opinion about something can be destructive, both to our societies and to our well-being. Marcus Aurelius writes that we have the power to have no opinion about something.[7] The reason to let go of holding on to an opinion is to return to a state of equanimity, especially when the object of our opinion is out of our control and when the facts of the matter are not well known.

Opinions might be an expression of our need for things to be different from what they are, and, as such, opinions lead to frustration, anger, hatred, or worse.

It is pointless to try to force our mind to not create opinions. We seek meaning and sense danger and we are driven to survive, and therefore events will result in the formation of opinions.

The idea here is to be mindfully aware of when we have an opinion since that allows us to examine that opinion, that impression, and decide what we want to do with it. We do indeed have the power to let go of an opinion about something, to have no opinion about it. We experience tranquility when we let go of opinions.

Nothing Has Power Over Me if I Desire Nothing

This concept comes from the writings of Seneca: “The highest power is no power, if you desire nothing”. It can be a tricky concept, and is not meant to teach us to forsake everything in life. The idea is to give thought to how our desires might keep us in a situation that we are not comfortable with. Examples include

• We dress in a particular way, even though we are not comfortable, in order to fit in with or to impress others

• We put up with critics because we (believe that we) need their approval

• We put up with abusive or nonsensical managers since we (believe that we) need their approval and we need the job

• We accept money for an assignment, but we are then beholden to the people who pay us

If we don’t need and don’t take the money or the approval, we are then not indebted to others. This supports an equanimous way of being. Of course, we take payment all the time since we need to make a living. The idea is to be aware of what we are agreeing to and what the cost is to our peace of mind and to our freedom when we take the money and the praise.

Impermanence

One of the core teachings in both Stoic and Buddhist philosophy is that of Impermanence.

Marcus Aurelius writes (to himself) that “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you say and think.”[8] The attitude is expressed concisely as Memento Mori: Remember that you must die. This is a reminder of the transitory nature of life and of the certainty that, yes, we will die. If we know and accept that we will die, and we know and accept that we do not know when we will die, we can realize that all we have is the present moment and that we should do our best to use that moment to act towards goals that are in our control and to act in ways that reflect our values.

In Buddhism there are three identifying principles, or fundamental teachings, known as the Three Dharma Seals. The first seal – the first principle – is Impermanence, and it teaches that everything is impermanent. This concept can be difficult to accept since it is very common for people to want and to need stability and consistency in life. We find it hard to change, and we often want to stay in our comfort zones, where we understand our place and feel secure. However, everything changes, everything is impermanent, and therefore being attached to how things are is a source of suffering and therefore a disturbance to our equanimity.

I was sitting on my balcony on one Spring day, enjoying the clear sky, the cool breeze, and the wonderful green trees that are in the park next to where I live. I started to think that I wish the weather was always like this, and then I started to get anxious about the coming summer weather with its heat and humidity. One moment I was enjoying the weather and the next moment I was anxious about it changing. This is a form of suffering. Once I became aware of where my thoughts were going, I was able to return to the realization that everything changes, the weather will change, and that is just the way it is. By such awareness we can return to the present moment and enjoy it for what it is.

Understanding that everything is impermanent should not make us suffer, unless we cling to how things are at a particular point in time. On the contrary, realizing that everything is impermanent enables us to appreciate and nurture what we have right now, to know that we can effect change in some circumstances if we need to, and to appreciate that impermanence brings joy for the things that need to grow. A tree will grow when we plant a seed. Without impermanence, the tree would not grow.

Marcus Aurelius writes that “there is nothing bad in undergoing change – or good emerging from it”.[9] Change simply is, and change is all around us all the time.

All we have is the present moment. Use it wisely and live by values-guided action. If we can do this then we can live with equanimity.

Accepting What Is

A lot of our suffering comes from resisting What Is. For example, I stutter. For most of my life I perceived my stuttering as something defective about me and invested all my energy into trying to not stutter and trying to make my stutter go away. I suffered for 50 years in this way. Once I started to look at stuttering without judgement, as something that just Is, I was able to heal and to live life with meaning.

Accepting What Is means that we stop resisting that which is there whether we like it or. This does not imply resignation or apathy or indifference. Accepting What Is allows us to look at the thing in a different way, and work with it rather than against it. Marcus Aurelius wrote that “What stands in the way becomes the way”, and Ryan Holiday wrote a wonderful book called “The Obstacle Is The Way” based on this concept.

Epictetus taught that we should not seek for everything to happen as we wish it to, but rather to wish that everything happens as it actually will.[10] The reason that this attitude is so helpful is that wishing that something did not happen or is not the way it is, is simply a waste of energy. After all, the thing happened, or our physiology is what is (such as with stuttering). Wishing things were other than what they are prevents us from living with equanimity. Once again, this does not mean that we should be indifferent. If I am injured, then I should help myself by seeking appropriate treatment in order to heal. In this case, I am completely accepting of the injury, and at the same time being aware that I have control over what happens next.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche coined the phrase “Amor Fate”, a love of fate. By this he taught that it’s not just about passively accepting What Is, but embracing it, loving it, since it already Is.

When I am tired, I perceive the fatigue as something being wrong with me and something that should not be. I judge the fatigue as something negative, I resist it, and I increase my suffering. However, when I can be mindful - non-judgmentally aware - of the fatigue, I can embrace it and even say to myself “Wonderful! I feel tired, so I will go and rest. I will let go of everything that I think that I need to be doing and go and rest.” If I cannot go and rest in that moment, I can still accept and embrace the fatigue as something that just Is, without judgment. I feel significant relief when I am able to look at my fatigue in this way.

When we can go and rest, we can embrace the rest and not feel guilty about needing rest. We can put down the load, and rest. We are still Good Enough when we rest.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to feel and understand another person’s emotions by putting ourselves in their shoes. It’s an internal experience—feeling what someone else feels. For example, if a friend is grieving, we might feel their sadness as if it were our own.

When we express empathy for someone, we sit with them, give them space, we listen with care. On the other hand, we do not offer unsolicited advice, criticism, nor comparison stories of what we have been through. We offer an ear that listens and a shoulder that supports.

Empathy supports equanimity in that we are engaged, doing what we can to support the other person, but not caught up in our own interpretations, judgments, and wishing for things to be different from what they are.

Empathy is primarily applicable in situations where resolution of the suffering of the other person is out of our control. We might have a desire to help, but we recognize and accept when the only thing that we can do is listen and enable the other person to be seen and heard.

Compassion

Compassion goes beyond empathy by adding tangible assistance in some way to alleviate or even to resolve suffering. Compassion might be described as “empathy in action”. It becomes possible when offering assistance is within our control.

As regards compassion for other people, it supports equanimity since it involves taking action. Peace of mind is hindered by feelings of helplessness, so when we can help, we are more likely to be equanimous. As with many activities, our well-being will benefit by avoiding attachment to outcomes from the assistance that we provide.

Self-compassion seems to be a critical part of living with equanimity. With self-compassion, we treat ourselves with support, understanding, and non-judgment. Many writers describe self-compassion as treating ourselves in times of distress in the same way as we would treat a good friend in distress. However, some of us might offer unhelpful advice, criticism, or comparison stories to a friend in distress, and while I do not want to judge that behavior, I feel that it is important to avoid it. Additionally, it is vitally important, with self-compassion, to avoid telling ourselves that it’s our fault that we are in distress, or telling ourselves what we should have done differently.

With self-compassion, we hold ourselves with kindness and unconditional acceptance. This by itself is tangible assistance. When treating ourselves with kindness, we might become open to ways to resolve or lessen our suffering. This comes from the mindful awareness of our suffering and our kindness to ourselves. This is not about self-pity, but rather about self-support and acknowledgment of our distress.

Life is full of challenges. Without self-compassion, I find it hard to see if we can be equanimous.

Choice

Another key to living with equanimity is to be aware that we have choice about how we relate to uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and memories. Very often we don’t have a choice about what is happening, but we always have a choice about how we react to what is happening. We can choose to respond after consideration rather than reacting impulsively.

Choice is facilitated by reason, and reason is facilitated by values and by knowing what we want to do and how we want to behave in order to live a meaningful life. Living a meaningful life is a condition for living with equanimity.

As always, this does not mean that life is easy. It means that in the depths of distress we can recognize that we have choice and that our choice is guided by how we have defined for ourselves that we want to live.

Recognizing Greed, Anger and Delusion

Joseph Goldstein writes[11] that a Buddha is one who has reached perfect awakening – enlightenment – having recognized, acknowledged, and removed all poisons of mind. The three categories of poisons of the mind are Greed, Hatred, and Delusion. Various writings use Anger in place of Hatred and Ignorance in place of Delusion, but the idea is the same.

The idea is that equanimity is hindered, and we continue to suffer, when we have greed, when we carry anger or hatred, and when we are deluded about the true nature of reality.

A simple example for me of the poison of delusion is with regards to stuttering. For most of my life I lived with the delusion that stuttering is a defect. I suffered terribly because of this delusion, and I know that I also caused others to suffer because of the ways in which I was caught up in my delusion. My perception of stuttering as a defect created, or certainly fueled, anger and hatred in me.

Thich Nhat Hanh is quoted as writing that “The three poisons—greed, anger, and ignorance—are in every one of us. But so are their antidotes: generosity, compassion, and wisdom”. We can then delve into the details of what each of these antidotes involves, and perhaps especially try to understand what is meant by Wisdom. However, Wisdom is a topic for some other time, some other writing. Generosity is with our time, our knowledge, our kindness, and not only monetary.

Values

Quality of life is dependent on living with meaning and with purpose. We identify what is meaningful to us in life by identifying our values, and then we can live with purpose that is aligned to what we find meaningful. Purpose is the fulfillment of meaning. It is focused action. It is not trivial to identify our meaning and purpose in life, and yet it is critical to our well-being.

A meaningful life is not about ego or recognition from others. A meaningful life is what gives us inner peace.

A value can be thought of as a chosen life direction. It is not an action, but it is the attitude behind the action. Values embody the meaning of life that we define for ourselves.

Our values guide our daily actions, they guide the way we live. It is therefore important that we define them, and that we define them well. If we do not have defined values then we risk moving through life at the whim of other forces. If we define our values poorly then we will not be content or peaceful in our life as we will be constantly aware that something is missing and we might try to fill that gap with unhelpful behaviors.

When we define our values, it can be helpful to think of them as ways of being. For example:

• Being generous (Or, I am generous, or I value being generous)

• Being kind

• Being helpful

• Being diligent

• Being empathetic to others

• Being compassionate

• Being honest

• Being equanimous

These are just examples. I work to live by these values, but I am certainly imperfect, and I am not trying to pretend otherwise nor to tell other people how to live their lives.

This definition from Dr Russ Harris is helpful: “Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being”.

A meaningful life is not about ego or recognition from others. A meaningful life is what gives us inner peace.

Mark Manson has a wonderful way of expressing it: “The only way to feel better about yourself is to do shit worth feeling good about”.

Goals, or Identifying our Path in Life

Values are how we want to live, but of equal importance is deciding what we want to do. If we have defined values but we lack purpose, we will be miserable.

In Seneca's essay on tranquility, he defines this as “believing in yourself and trusting that you are on the right path and not being in doubt by following the myriad footpaths of those wandering in every direction.”

Our path is the action(s) we are taking that are in turn guided by our values. With this in mind, we will always be aware of what we should be doing in order to live life with equanimity. With a clear path and values in mind, we can be more resilient against distractions from the external chaos. With a well-defined path, supported by well thought out values, we always know what we want to do, and we can act with confidence and belief in ourselves. Living in this way provides peace of mind and well-being.

I understand the “right path” as goals and objectives that are guided by my values. Values are what gives meaning to life, and acting according to those values means that we are acting with confidence and belief in ourselves. Our path is therefore the set of activities that we undertake that are driven by those values that we have identified as being of paramount importance to who we are. We will be on the right path since we chose the path based on our values.

Goals are broad, general intentions that give us direction and purpose. Think of a goal as a dream or destination. An example of a goal might be “good health”.

In order to achieve our goals, however, we need to take specific action. Just having good health as a goal will not result in good health.

Of course, perfectionism can be our enemy as we define our path and work according to it. As we act and as we learn we can and should make adjustments to our path. The guidance, though, is always coming from within us, from our values, and not from what other people are saying or doing.

Right Motivation / Intention

Before deciding on what specific actions we should be engaged in, it is helpful to clarify for ourselves what our intentions are with those actions, and to be fully aware that actions – any actions – bring results. We need to be sure why we are doing something and be sure we understand what the possible results of our actions are.

If we are taking some action with the intention of getting approval or of satisfying our ego, then we might reconsider whether that action is worthwhile. In fact, any time the intention behind our action is to get results that are out of our of our control, we set ourselves up for more suffering.

Action

Fulfillment in life comes from action, from doing the things that are aligned with our meaning and purpose.

One of the elements of the Nobel Eightfold Path in Buddhism is Right Action. Right Action is action that is guided by our values and not by opinions of others nor by our automatic negative self-talk. Right action is guided by Values and by Motivation.

It always helps to check with ourselves what our motivation is for doing something or for wanting something. We have to be honest with ourselves about what our motivation is for taking some action. Are we motivated by a need for approval or a need for recognition? In this case, we will continue to suffer and continue to lack equanimity.

When values, motivation, and goals (the path) are clear, then the surrounding noise, the external chaos and the storms of thoughts in our minds, can be ignored as we proceed to take Right Action.

Marcus Aurelius wrote about just doing “the right thing”.[12] Do the right thing, he says, and know that all the rest does not matter. He further writes[13] that he does (or rather, he wants to do) that which is his to do, i.e. that which is in his control, and he lets go of all the rest so as not to be disturbed by what is not in his control.

In Buddhism, the Fifth Remembrance is: “My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand.”

Therefore, our actions both manifest the way we live and affect what comes next.

Keeping in mind the phrase “values-guided action” helps us to take action that is aligned with our values, and that is therefore the right thing to be doing.

When we are taking Right Action we are supporting equanimity.

Being Anchored

Equanimity is being anchored enough to know if, when, and how to respond to the experiences of life, whether they are opportunities, challenges, or just simply events.

Being anchored means that we are not carried away by a storm of thoughts. Thoughts can be there, they can be intense, we can feel as if we are driven uncontrollably to reacting to them, but when we are anchored, we are able to observe the storm of thoughts and view them through the lens of our wisdom.

The big question is then How do we anchor ourselves? For me, the answer comes from mindfulness, and from the teaching of Dr Russ Harris in The Happiness Trap.

1. Noticing what is going on. Notice the thoughts, the feelings, and do so without judgment. Let the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the memories just be, especially if they are uncomfortable and especially if we wish to escape them or to react to them. We will experience anger; when it arises, notice it without judgement.

2. Naming. When uncomfortable thoughts and feelings arise, name them. For me, I can say “Oh, this is the Not Good Enough thought”, or “Hello, depression”. This naming is part of non-judgmental awareness and acknowledgment of what is happening. We are not denying or repressing the discomfort that we feel, for to do so just increases the struggle against “what is”.

3. Getting in touch with our bodies, so as to defuse somewhat from the intense emotions and from the storm of thoughts. There are many ways of doing this, such as mindful breathing, or purposefully looking at some part of us of some other object. By turning our attention to our breathing, we get in touch with our bodies. Doing so makes us more aware of what we are feeling in our bodies, and what the strong emotions are doing to us. As always, this is done without any judgement.

4. Taking values-guided action. Do what is meaningful. Russ Harris refers to taking “towards moves”, which refers to action that is in the direction of the way we want to live.

The result is equanimity. We are feeling, we are aware, and we are behaving in a way that is aligned with our values.

Letting go of Ego

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to let go of is ego.

Tied into our need for approval from others is our need to showcase our accomplishments. It is wonderful to have achievements that we are proud of, and it's wonderful to share those with friends. Often, our accomplishments can be a model for others and help them to improve their lives. The tricky part is to separate sharing and helping from seeking reactions and adoration.

In the world of social media (writing in 2025), we have platforms which we can use to very easily share our accomplishments with our friends, but also sit back and wait for the likes and the comments to come in. It is nice to get likes and comments, but it is a trap in which we suffer. Did we get enough likes? Did so-and-so like the post? Why did they not love the post? Who responded, and what did they write? It is awful that so many of us are trapped in this need for external validation. If we want to share our accomplishments, we can simply share and then let go, avoid revisiting that sharing.

Ryan Holiday wrote a remarkable book, in my opinion, in which he discussed ego. The basic message is that "Whatever happens next, ego is the enemy."  Did you do something that you are proud of? Did you help someone? Wonderful. Your own feeling of accomplishment is all that you need. Share only if by doing so you are sure that you can help someone else and you are sure that you can avoid chasing after the external validation.

When ego is involved in our motivation and action, we will surely not be at peace with ourselves.

Avoiding Unpleasantness does not Foster Equanimity

Equanimity does not come from avoiding all disruptions to my tranquility. If I strive to avoid all disruptions to my peace of mind, from other people and from external events, then my problems will follow me wherever I run to. Equanimity must be developed from within us, by avoiding our disruptive judgments about external events. Then, we can be equanimous wherever we are. This takes courage, but it also takes reasoned choice.

We filter the externals, those events that are outside our control, through our judgment, our reasoned choice. Reason takes the confusing and overwhelming nature out of external events and helps us make order of what we are thinking and perceiving. Reasoned choice, or guided reason, is supported by

• Values

• Knowing what is in our control and what is not in our control

• Knowing our path

Step by Step

Living with equanimity is not all or nothing. Like all accomplishments in life, it is achieved step by step. By being at peace with working step by step, we avoid negative judgment of ourselves.

Ryan Holiday writes the following: “One does not magically get one’s act together—it is a matter of many individual choices. It’s a matter of getting up at the right time, making your bed, resisting shortcuts, investing in yourself, doing your work. And make no mistake: while the individual action is small, its cumulative impact is not.”[14]

A kind of a summary, for now

Equanimity is enabled, for me, by:

• Awareness of thoughts, beliefs, desires, emotions, and memories

• Non-judgment of thoughts, beliefs, desires, emotions, and memories

• Non-attachment to external events or to thoughts, beliefs, desires and emotions

• Identifying whether an event is in my control or not, and avoiding putting effort into trying to affect things that are not in my control

• Knowing what my values are, knowing what gives meaning to my life

• Knowing that I have choice in how I respond to external events and to thoughts, beliefs, desires, and emotions. I can let things be, I can avoid the impulse to resolve matters, especially where such matters are out of my control

• Even when taking action on topics that are in my control, remember non-attachment to outcomes.

• Being aware of perceptions and impressions, and knowing what is real or not real and what is helpful or unhelpful

• Being able to let uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and memories just be, without trying to resolve them all. Sometimes, discomfort with thoughts, feelings, and memories is simply how things are at present. Everything is impermanent, including uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Allowing them to be instead of fighting against them enables us to redirect our concentration to our values and our path, while still making room for, being aware of, allowing the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to simply be.

• Having a clear purpose, a path. Identifying my path – my goals – and remaining focused on it and ensuring that my efforts are aligned with my values. Make adjustments to my path – my actions – as necessary but be aware of and ignore the storms of thought and all the daily noise that might distract me from continuing on my path.

---

[1] Full Catastrophe Living; Jon Kabat-Zinn

[2] Discourses 2.5.4-5 and Enchiridion, 1.1-3; Epictetus

[3] Enchiridion 5; Epictetus

[4] The Four Agreements; Don Miguel Ruiz

[5] The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching; Thich Nhat Hahn

[6] Enchiridion 1.5; Epictetus

[7] Meditations 6.52; Marcus Aurelius

[8] Meditations 2.11; Marcus Aurelius

[9] Meditations 4.42; Marcus Aurelius

[10] Enchiridion 8; Epictetus

[11] One Dharma: The Emerging Western Buddhism, chapter 2; Joseph Goldstein

[12] Meditations 6.2, Marcus Aurelius

[13] Meditations 6.22, Marcus Aurelius

[14] The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living; Ryan Holiday, Stephen Hanselman

---

Copyright © Hanan Hurwitz, 2025.

These articles are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License (CC BY-NC 4.0). You are free to share, copy, and adapt the content of the articles for educational and non-commercial purposes, provided you give appropriate credit to the author, provide a link to the original article, and indicate if changes were made.

For details, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/.